grandma shit on top of the toilet
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's official drugs can't kill me
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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