I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
