Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
