I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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