I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
