I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
