I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize