John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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