No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
