I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm experimenting with sincerity
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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