i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
