we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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