2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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