my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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