I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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