I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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