I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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