What did we do last night that was yellow?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize