Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
