she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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