My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
They took my balls.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
