which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
