This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
