I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
