Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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