i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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