Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
