I just threw up on my dentist
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
