After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
