I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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