You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
