I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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