i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
