happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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