I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
