I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
