Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
