I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
