seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize