i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
