Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
