Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
