Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
