Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
