Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
