i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize