even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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