i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
