i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize