I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
