The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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