You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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