seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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