the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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