The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
