wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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