While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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