She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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