Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
