I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
