Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
