I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
